I’m sure a lot of bloggers carefully plan out exactly what they will say in their posts. I’m sure that is even probably for the best for the most part, but I find myself always being drawn to just write on the fly, just as if I were having a conversation with a friend. I find my thoughts to be more authentic that way.
The fact that I even explained all that just now ties in to what’s on my mind when writing this- insecurity, issues with the ego, not feeling like myself because I keep finding myself overwhelmed and when I’m overwhelmed I can easily lose sight of my core and fall so easily into the ego. Which, is not really the goal.
Of course, I practice my yoga and in those moments I come back to myself but yoga is both on and off the mat and if you aren’t taking care of yourself off the mat then you still won’t be in alignment with yourself despite your work on the mat.
Today, I felt myself on the verge of having a small anxiety attack in my laundry room- which is where I often go to catch my breath. It’s a more quiet spot away from the kids that they can’t get to so I have some space but they aren’t so far out of reach that I couldn’t hear if they needed me (trust me, I can hear them- when speaking to two friends today about how I was feeling they were going off quite clearly and loudly in the background). Anyways, back to the small anxiety attack. That’s where I was today. But you do yoga? Isn’t the point to be zen? Well, sort of. Of course we all want to be zen, in union with ourselves, but yoga is a practice that we keep coming back to because we find ourselves needing something to help us find union, find zen, find peace, calm anxieties. Yogis are human all the same, with human emotions and experiences. Yoga or not, we still feel and experience, we still hurt, we still stumble, we still fall.
I really should have saw it coming. Everytime a moment of anxiety hits me to the point it stops me in my tracks I’m like, “Whoa, where the hell did you come from?!” Then I can usually look back and follow a trail and see where there were warning signs everywhere. Warning signs I would have seen if I were looking closer, if I were leaning in, listening, paying attention to myself. Something yoga and meditation helps a person do, normally it keeps me quite balanced but like I said, I’m still human that just had a lot of new tasks thrown at her.. And really I can see once again why it snuck up, and it really often always sneaks up in this way- overwhelm, wearing all the hats, juggling all the balls, balancing all the plates, doing all the things.
Falling into that kind of space is very easy as a human, very easy as a parent too. You get into your routine and meeting the needs and wants of the little humans in your home, you break up their fights, help them problem solve, the list goes on. Then you’re also a wife, a friend, for me I’m a student, and like I’ve mentioned a few times now- a human. Being human is hard, guys. There are so many aspects and layers to it.We don’t want to nor have the time to be inconvenienced by overwhelm and negative feelings.
I’ll run down the on goings of my life currently that have my plate over filled. Parenting, I’m at the last section of schooling and things are picking up and requiring more of my focus, I’m stressed on how to make things perfect for my first yoga clients, I’m trying to make more time to hang out with my husband in intentional ways, our car messed up, errands needed ran, the kids damaged the carpet in their play room where they spend most of their time so now we have to replace the flooring, and then there are the little things that come up in life day to day and out of no where, then as I was sitting and thinking of the massive to do list and three day pile of laundry (how the hell do we produce so many dirty clothes in three days?!) I remembered we start homeschool in two days. That I haven’t even looked at since I first bought and binded the curriculum. I had been looking forward to it and still sort of am, but the things just pile on.
I come home from a morning of errands with yet another fast food meal in my hand (trying to give myself grace with this in this extra busy season of life but again, human ;)) and my daughter is bouncing as I walk through the door with a million bags in my hand ready to make the brownies I told her we could make together when I got home. I got the things put away, lunch ate, and then my youngest wakes up from nap earlier than anticipated which adds a whole new level of difficulty to the brownie making. We begin the brownie making and honestly it went fine but something about the clangs, the chatter, the high intense energy coming from the precious little human, the reading the recipe, the making sure you don’t stir too much, the TV being too loud, the littlest one wanting in and crying because you told the oldest it would be a project for just you two- it just kind of sent me over the edge with sensory overload and the overwhelm filled up all the space it could and I went into hiding, feeling the anxiety settle in.
How many times do I have to tell myself, listen to your body, make time for hobbies, balance your life, before it just automatically sticks without all the effort? I had the anxiety and I began to sit with it and see all the little ways my body was trying to tell me and warn me to slow down, check in, do something else, take a break, stop moving so damn much. I’m always go, go, going. I had been over thinking people’s responses, feeling dread in projects I had anticipated, felt myself withdrawing from fun activities with my family, feeling extra tired, being repetitive with negative thoughts, feeling less patient, feeling insecure in all areas of life, all the little warning signs were there because I didn’t listen. Then my mind and body had enough and had to step in and really shut things down.
The attack settled, it lost severity, once I got on my mat and got moving. But I know there are areas in my life that I need work on right now, I need to pay attention to. Man, how easy is it to say “I don’t have time to sit and check in” and then the next thing you know you’re so overwhelmed your chest feels tight, or your energy is drained, and you’re snapping someone you love.. Those aren’t things we exactly have time for either, so we need to focus on managing our time to serve ourselves so we don’t get to such a burnt out point. Getting there is going to look different for us, some of us may find it in meditation, some in journaling, some in yoga, some in talking with a friend, some in writing- really, the list grows and possibilities are endless. But we need to find the time, we need to find the thing that helps us reconnect with ourselves, ground with ourselves. When we feel like we don’t have time, that is the most important time to make the time. Make time to schedule self check in, self care, self love. Maybe it’s a bubble bath for you, maybe it’s baking, maybe it’s reading- whatever it is, make time for it, make space for it, let something else take a backseat- because nothing is going to work as well as it could if you’re overwhelmed, ran down, impatient, tired, imbalanced. Feed your soul, when and however you can.
You got this.